Catalog
Episodes
A Thousand Lives Later, We're Back!Oct 25, 2026 · 50 minA Thousand Lives Later, We’re Back! | Season 3, Episode 1
Season 3 of If You Would’ve Told Me is here, and Joe and Emily have a lot to catch up on!
Emily talks about life after divorce, getting back into dating, navigating dating apps, and why finding a normal, boring guy might not be such a bad thing. They debate soulmates, red flags, relationship expectations, and whether people deserve to be judged for mistakes they made 20 years ago.
Joe shares stories from his recent stand-up gigs, including a private show in Newark with an unforgettable veal dinner. Emily reveals how she lost a comedy booking after a headliner reportedly refused to work with a female opener, while Joe recalls losing an opening spot over a joke.
Plus, they get into Shane Gillis, controversial comedy, selective outrage, and whether audiences are becoming too sensitive.
A little dating, a little controversy, plenty of questionable decisions, and a lot of laughs.- Attics, Affairs & AirplanesAug 3, 2026 · 1 hrSeason 2 Finale!
Joe and Emily wrap up another season by looking back on the podcast, talking summer vacations, Wildwood, Maine, lobster rolls, and what Season 3 might have in store.
Then things get weird...
✈️ A flight instructor jumps out of a plane mid-flight and leaves his student to land it alone.
🛩️ A passenger is nearly sucked out of an airplane window after an engine failure.
🏠 And one of the wildest true crime stories we've ever covered: the man who secretly lived in his lover's attic...for TEN YEARS.
Thanks for making Season 2 our biggest yet. We'll be back this fall with even more unbelievable stories.
- Married to a ChandelierJul 20, 2026 · 1 hrThis week, we're catching up after a busy couple of weeks before diving into one of the strangest stories we've ever discussed—a woman who married a chandelier.
From bizarre relationships and wedding "rules" to cheating confessions, age-gap debates, books, birthdays, and everything in between, this episode goes in directions we definitely didn't expect.
Grab a drink, settle in, and join the conversation.
- Love, Lemons & RobberiesJun 28, 2026 · 30 minThis week we're talking fitness, birthday cake, creepy exes, and some of the wildest dating stories we've ever heard.
Emily starts a new boot camp, Joe discovers the perfect birthday cake recommendation, and then things take a turn when a woman allegedly sends her ex over 1,800 lemons... leading to Canada's first psychological warfare case.
We also share our own experiences with exes who couldn't let go, strange first dates, surprise gifts after breakups, apartment shrines, stalking stories, and a first date that somehow ended with an armed bank robbery.
Dating is weird... but apparently it can always get weirder.
🎙 New episodes every week!
- Accidentally ControversialJun 9, 2026 · 46 minJoe is back from Atlantis with stories about dolphins, lazy rivers, snorkeling adventures, and resort prices that should probably require a second mortgage. Emily plans a series of "Mommy-Ava" getaways while both hosts discuss burgers, summer weight gain, terrible stage photos, and the struggle of watching yourself online.
Then they dive into the viral podcast clip that sparked millions of views, thousands of comments, and more internet outrage than either expected. Finally, the episode ends with one of the strangest news stories ever featured on the show: a man who pulled a police car with his penis while on fire... all in the name of awareness.
- Too Lazy for FeloniesMay 18, 2026 · 46 minJoe and Emily spiral through high school memories, TikTok trends, book obsessions, and whether a great ending can save a mediocre novel. They debate face tattoos in the workplace, mourn the death of Blockbuster nights, talk baldness and hair experiments, react to a man refusing to work because he “never asked to be born,” and somehow end up designing Joe’s dream Key West chicken tattoo while discussing RFK Jr. collecting raccoon anatomy on a family road trip. Just another normal episode.
- Burned by BubblesMay 4, 2026 · 57 minIn this episode, Joe and Emily react to being called “ableist” over their audiobook take—and try to figure out how the internet heard something they definitely didn’t say.
From there, things spiral (as usual) into a heated debate about Central Jersey, pork roll etiquette, and why you should never try your first one at Wawa.
Joe shares a wild stand-up story involving a heckler named “Bubbles” that escalates from crowd work… to threats… to tears. It’s one of those comedy nights that comics never forget—and raises real questions about safety on stage.
Plus, they break down the Gen Z dating trend “shrecking,” attraction vs personality, and why banter might be the most important trait in a relationship.
It’s chaotic, honest, and somehow still makes sense.
- Cocaine Sharks & Crazy Ex RevengeApr 20, 2026 · 42 minWe dive into some of the most unhinged news stories we’ve ever covered. From a woman getting revenge on her ex by signing him up for 88 marathons, to the discovery of cocaine in sharks, to a Florida woman declaring herself the “Squirrel Queen”… yeah, this one goes off the rails fast.
Along the way, we somehow get into the difference between men and women, why women might need more sleep, “girl words,” breakups, revenge, and why the best response might just be… doing nothing at all.
It’s chaotic, it’s hilarious, and it might be our wildest episode yet.
- That’s A Girl WordApr 6, 2026 · 44 minThis week, we accidentally turned into a book club… and then immediately spiraled into chaos.
Joe and Emily catch up after a short break, talk birthdays, and realize they both set the same goal to read 12 books this year—leading to a surprisingly deep (and hilarious) conversation about books, audiobooks, and getting tricked into reading something VERY unexpected.
Then things take a turn.
We break down three wild stories of “crazy women,” including:
• A woman who trapped her ex in an escape room designed for “emotional accountability”
• A girl who plastered her ex all over town as “emotionally unavailable”
• And a true crime story that will make you question everything
Plus:
• Why “closure” might be a myth
• What emotional unavailability actually means
• And why people choose chaos instead of just… breaking up
This one goes from thoughtful to completely unhinged real fast.
- What If Your Thoughts Aren’t Yours?Mar 2, 2026 · 47 minThis episode starts with a ridiculous “scream with no air” challenge and somehow turns into a deep dive on anxiety, panic attacks, creativity, spirituality, and whether we actually create our thoughts — or just receive them.
Joe and Emily talk about:
• Being anxious about getting anxious
• Déjà vu and intuition
• Panic attacks on stage
• Addiction, self-awareness, and emotional growth
• Bombing vs crushing in comedy
• The quietest room in the world
• And whether feelings are facts
It’s chaotic. It’s thoughtful.
- The Bad Bunny Internet SpiralFeb 16, 2026 · 49 minThis week on If You Would’ve Told Me, we dive into the Super Bowl halftime show that had everyone talking — Bad Bunny! 🐰 From the viral memes, internet outrage, and political hot takes to flags, cultural pride, and representation for Puerto Rican and Latinx communities, we break down why this performance was so impactful.
But we don’t stop there — we also share our Super Bowl stories: Patriots vs. Giants debates, our chaotic box office bets, and sports takes you didn’t know you needed. Plus, personal comedy gig highlights, funny audience experiences, and reflections on language, culture, and why people just can’t chill online.
It’s a full episode of sports, culture, comedy, and internet chaos — don’t miss it!
Listen in for:
• Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance and its cultural impact
• Internet outrage, memes, and virtue signaling
• Flags, unity, and representation in music
• Super Bowl betting chaos and sports stories
• Comedy gig tales and behind-the-scenes fun
- From Milk Duds to Marrying AIFeb 2, 2026 · 48 minThis episode starts with cantaloupe hate and somehow ends with a woman marrying AI — and honestly, it all makes sense by the end.
Joe and Emily riff on edible arrangements, candy nostalgia, and disastrous movie-theater first dates (including a near-death Milk Duds incident). Things take a turn into pure chaos with stories from Joe’s days working at a mom-and-pop video store — complete with a porn room, unhinged customers, and the night two masked men ran in to steal a Spawnmovie poster while Joe froze mid-sandwich.
Along the way, they talk dating in your 20s vs 30s, growing up too fast, skateboarding mishaps, getting “almost” mugged, and how time quietly sneaks up on you.
Then the episode swerves hard into the future: a real story about a woman who married an AI chatbot, what that means for human relationships, and whether we’re already more married to our phones than we realize.
Funny, nostalgic, slightly unsettling — this one has everything.
- Something Feels OffJan 18, 2026 · 50 minThis week, Joe and Emily do what they do best: start recording before they realize they’re recording and let the conversation go wherever it wants.
They debate coffee vs tea, spiral over why drip coffee is disappearing, and assign themselves questionable caffeine homework. Things take a turn into absurdity with invisible art selling for $18,000, silent comedy shows, naked stand-up, and why comedy doesn’t need gimmicks to work.
Joe shares a painfully memorable roast story involving powerful politicians, bombing in front of friends, and why sensitive comics never forget. Along the way, they get into Knives Out, White Lotus, reality TV conspiracies, Chris Hansen nostalgia, and the ethics of “To Catch a Predator.”
And somehow, it all ends with a heated argument over what to call the place where you buy food — because apparently “food store” is controversial.
Loose, funny, observational, and exactly the kind of episode you didn’t know you needed.
- Anxiety vs. IntuitionJan 5, 2026 · 57 minHappy 2026! We’re back for the first episode of the year, and we’re getting intentional. We dive deep into the fine line between Anxiety vs. Intuition—discussing therapy breakthroughs, why journaling streaks are overrated, and how to actually feel "content" in the new year.
But it’s not all deep talk. We’re also breaking down the hilarious reality of "wellness culture," from Staten Island-style meditation to the high cost of Disney magic.
What we cover in this episode:
• 2026 Intentions: Why we’re ditching vision boards for "bucket lists" and intentional living.
• The "Gabagool" Meditation: Joes's pitch for a new kind of guided meditation and why Insight Timer's free recordings are a mess.
• Travel Debates: Disney Cruise vs. the adult-only Virgin Atlantic to Bermuda (and that $80 pizza).
• Reminiscing: A reunion at Tiger’s Tale in Skillman and looking back at classmates we haven’t seen in 20 years.
• Rare News: Reacting to "Foreign Accent Syndrome" and the woman who woke up speaking with a Chinese accent.
• Atomic Habits: Using the Babbel app and the gym to keep the mental health in check.
Are you leaning into your intuition this year, or is it just anxiety? Let’s talk about it.
- Goober NutterDec 22, 2025 · 55 minWe’re back from a short break and things get weird fast. We talk weird food (including deer heart and peanut butter crimes), anxiety coping habits, trusting your gut, and why “that’s just who I am” isn’t an excuse for bad behavior. Along the way, we spiral into flying rituals, shopping anxiety, mental health accountability, holiday hot takes, and somehow uncover whatever Goober Nutter is.
Funny, honest, slightly unhinged — exactly how we like it.
- Too Old for Slang?Nov 17, 2025 · 52 minThis week, Joe and Emily dive into the wild world of modern slang — from Gen Alpha kids shouting “6–7” for no reason to grown adults still saying “dope,” “fire,” and every phrase that instantly makes us feel forty years older.
They break down the slang they grew up with, the slang kids use now, and the words nobody our age should be saying anymore.
Along the way, things spiral into mall nostalgia, weird hometown expressions, some truly strange news stories (yes, including a butt-sniffing bandit), spider season in Australia, and even an AI-generated criminal sketch that resembles Joe.
It’s chaos, it’s comfort, and it’s proof we may officially be too old for slang.
- Bananas in PyjamasNov 3, 2025 · 37 minWe kick off with the strangest headline yet — Bananas in Pyjamas held for ransom by the Russian mafia — and somehow end up talking Scotland travel plans, ancient clan drama, surprise DNA results, and bald men getting kissed for science.
🍌 Just another normal day on If You Would’ve Told Me.
- Who’s Giving Rats Cocaine?!Oct 20, 2025 · 49 minThings get weird fast in Episode 2! 🎉
Joe and Emily start off swapping stories about writing, poetry, and old photo albums… and somehow end up discussing poop-themed restaurants, modern-day plague cases, and rats that love jazz. 🐀🎷
Along the way, they laugh through nostalgia, bad technology, and bizarre headlines that only this podcast could tie together. It’s equal parts hilarious, gross, and surprisingly thoughtful — just how we like it.
🎧 If You Would’ve Told Me – Season 2, Episode 2
- Easy There, Eagle EyesOct 6, 2025 · 48 min🎙️ Episode 1: “Easy There, Eagle Eyes”
Season 2 kicks off with Joe and Emily catching up after summer break — and of course, the conversation goes everywhere. From the chaos of world headlines to the magic of aquariums, Disney trips, and summer comedy shows, they find humor in everything… even Joe’s “eagle eyes” moment that turned into a fender-bender.
They also talk about trusting experts vs. the “guy in the car with 7-Eleven shades,” why everyone’s a headline reader now, and how two simple phrases can save any political conversation. It’s classic If You Would’ve Told Me: funny, honest, curious, and a little bit chaotic.
Highlights:
🦅 The “Easy There, Eagle Eyes” story
🎢 Fearless kids and Tower of Terror
🎙️ Why crowd work might be cooling off
🚶 The Italian husband who walked 280 miles after a fight
Listen, laugh, and remember—life’s just one big tangent.
- Kooky Crocodiles Get DownAug 24, 2025 · 1 hr 16 minIt’s the Season 1 finale! Joe and Emily wrap up 23 episodes with a little bit of everything: Emily’s Iceland trip (trolls, puffins, and strict moss laws), a 400-year-old shark nicknamed Norma, and the bizarre story of a passenger who died mid-flight… only for their body to go missing.
We also dive into the science of “three-parent babies,” the quirks of comedy audiences, and the eternal debate between cruises, all-inclusives, and solo travel. And of course, we finish the season with a lip-reading game that gives us instant classics like “Bring me a bagel, not a baby” and “Kooky Crocodiles Get Down.”
Thanks for laughing with us through Season 1 — we’ll be back in October with more stories, more bits, and a brand-new season!
🎧 Subscribe & Listen now
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- Brutal & Beautiful New JerseyAug 11, 2025 · 41 minJoe and Emily take a ChatGPT-fueled trip through what makes New Jersey famous. We debate accents, argue about skorts, and dive into the weirdest news stories - including dog pee drug tests, pole dancing military wives, and the horror movie idea you never knew you needed. It’s Brutal & Beautiful, Jersey style.
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- ChatGPT Knows UsJul 28, 2025 · 53 minJoe and Emily ask ChatGPT what it knows about their podcast, dive into the weird world of AI therapy, and unpack foodie calls, bro code drama, and TSA crotch scans. Plus, going viral for the wrong reasons, handling trolls, and why unsolicited robot validation might be all we need.
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- Bald Heads and Betrayal BombsJul 14, 2025 · 55 minJoe and Emily go from bald heads to betrayal bombs — literally. Joe shares how he lost his hair, got his mole flicked at Dunkin’ Donuts, and embraced the bald life. Emily opens up about her undercut era, bad haircuts, and questionable dye jobs.
Then they dive into a viral cheating callout at a birthday party, TikTok scandals, and the weirdest stuff Americans do (like dipping pizza in ranch). Plus: sleep hacks, chaotic dreams, and Portuguese grandma-approved desserts.
You’re gonna love this one.
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- Repopulating the IslandsJun 30, 2025 · 1 hrWould you move to a remote island for €84K? Joe and Emily explore real relocation offers from around the world—then spiral into hilarious fast food rankings 🍔, a $4,000 Dumb Dumb lollipop disaster 🍭, and why White Castle might cause mild depression 😅.
Also in this episode:
🎨 Bob Ross documentaries & true crime
📚 Classic literature that actually woos people
🎤 The 30-minute stand-up special trend
🎉 Birthday plans, scallops, and cigar lounges
Hit play for travel talk, comedy debates, food cravings, and total chaos—in the best way.
- And I Felt ThatJun 15, 2025 · 1 hr 9 minThis week on If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe and Emily dive into “Would You Rather,” play a few rounds of F, Marry, Kill, and discuss whether two comedians dating is a good idea—or a disaster waiting to happen. We also unpack the internet’s favorite overused line: “And I felt that.”
🎧 Subscribe & Listen now
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- Salmon HatsJun 2, 2025 · 1 hr 4 minThis week on If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe and Emily talk weird animal facts like Orca whales and their fishy fashion sense, milking cockroaches, and stories about gambling losses and bombing on stage. It’s a wild mix of laughs, cringe, and random knowledge you didn’t know you needed.🎧 Subscribe & Listen nowEmail us at ifyoutoldme@gmail.comPlease Follow, Rate, & Review!Full video available on Spotify & YouTubeFollow @https://www.tiktok.com/@ifyouwouldvetoldme https://www.instagram.com/ifyouwouldvetoldme https://www.facebook.com/ifyouwouldvetoldmeSubscribe to the podcast: https://linktr.ee/ifyouwouldvetoldmeVisit my webpage:http://www.joefernandes.netFollow me on Facebook:Facebook.com/joefernandescomedyFollow me on Instagram:Instagram.com/joefernandes
- When Ya Know, Ya KnowMay 12, 2025 · 1 hr 5 minThis week on If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe and Emily talk therapy, relationships, and how do you know when you've met “The One”? Sometimes… ya just know.
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- SwindlersApr 28, 2025 · 50 minIn this episode, we revisit the Netflix doc The Tinder Swindler and explore the question: Should you ever loan someone money in a relationship? Where's the line between trust and manipulation? We also discuss writing and developing ideas. Join us for a candid conversation on love, red flags, and the power of putting pen to paper.
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- Virtual InsanityApr 14, 2025 · 1 hr 5 minIn this episode of If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe & Emily talk the early days of the internet and meeting people in AOL chat, phone addiction, concert stories, news stories, and more!
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- Travel TherapyMar 31, 2025 · 1 hr 6 minThis week on If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe and Emily talk travel. From dream destinations to the ways travel can shift your mindset, they explore why getting away might just be the ultimate form of therapy.
Plus, they unpack some news stories about travel pet peeves.
It’s all on the itinerary.
Grab your carry-on and come escape with us.
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- SleepwalkMar 17, 2025 · 50 minIn this episode of If You Would’ve Told Me, we dive into the wild world of sleepwalking—from bizarre personal stories to the science behind why some of us go on midnight adventures without remembering a thing. Then, we shift gears to a different kind of autopilot: phone addiction. Why do we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling for hours? Is it rewiring our brains? And more importantly, how do we break free? Joe tells some childhood stories about his Dads house and the animals 🐖 🦜 🐐 🐓 that lived there.
🎧 Subscribe & Listen now. Let us know—are you a sleepwalker, a doom scroller, or both?
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- Mad LibsMar 3, 2025 · 45 minThis week on If You Would've Told Me Podcast, Joe tries Mad Libs for the first time! We also talk comedy and scriptwriting, plus dive into some news stories—like coffee reducing death and women rocking fake baby bumps. Check it out!
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- A Comic Writes A PoemFeb 17, 2025 · 58 minIf you would’ve told us we’d be discussing a bizarre story involving cremation ashes, mapping out our travel bucket lists, and witnessing Joe’s one and only attempt at comedy poetry… well, we’d assume you know us pretty well.
In this episode, we break down a truly strange ashes-related tale, share our biggest travel desires (because we need a getaway), and dive into the art of writing—whether it’s poetry, comedy, or whatever weird hybrid Joe just created. And of course, we round it out with another one-word improv session that still needs serious help.
Chaos, creativity, and questionable poetry await!
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- Love, Dating & Divine InterventionFeb 3, 2025 · 1 hr 17 minIn this episode of If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe & Emily discuss love, dating, and divine intervention 💫 We also dive into a strange obituary and another round of One-Word Improv. Tune in for laughs, deep thoughts, and maybe even a sign from the universe. 🎙️
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- First Class Fancy PantsJan 20, 2025 · 58 minIn this episode of If You Would’ve Told Me, Emily and Joe share some of their personal goals for the year, including fitness, travel, and personal growth. They talk dream travel destinations on their radar, and break down a wild airplane story in the headlines.
🎧 Don’t miss out—join the conversation!
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- Comedy & BearsJan 6, 2025 · 1 hr 5 minOn this episode of If You Would’ve Told Me, Joe and Emily talk about stand-up comedy and swap unforgettable stories of bombing on stage. Then, they shift gears to discuss bizarre and hilarious bear news stories.
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- ChristmasDec 23, 2024 · 54 min🎄 If You Would’ve Told Me Podcast with Joe Fernandes & Emily Paige
In this holiday episode, Joe and Emily get into the Christmas spirit! They chat about their favorite holiday movies, family traditions, and some Christmas stories.
🎧 Tune in and celebrate with us!
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- The Cello EpisodeDec 9, 2024 · 1 hr 1 min🎙️ If You Would've Told Me Podcast with Joe Fernandes & Emily Paige
In this episode, Joe and Emily share their experiences performing standup at country clubs. They also discuss a bizarre and somewhat tragic news story about a pet cremation gone wrong, leading to a deeper conversation about owning pets and the unique joy they bring to our lives.
The episode takes a wild turn when they dive into some crazy Disney World news stories,. And Joe doesn’t remember a conversation about cellos that Emily insists they had. Can you guess who’s right?
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- Thanksgiving TraditionsNov 25, 2024 · 51 minOn this weeks episode of If You Would've Told Me, Joe & Emily talk about Thanksgiving and some historically weird traditions. Please Follow, Rate, & Review!
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- Blerp ItNov 11, 2024 · 1 hr 1 minOn this episode of If You Would've Told Me Podcast, Joe & Emily try one word improv, talk about writing, and tell stories.
Email any weird stories or "If You Would've Told Me" experiences to: ifyoutoldme@gmail.com
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- Soup WeatherOct 28, 2024 · 1 hr 1 minJoe & Emily get to know each other. They talk comedy, learn where they were born, soup weather, and watch some videos.
Email any weird stories or "If You Would've Told Me" experiences to: ifyoutoldme@gmail.com
Full video podcast Available on Spotify & Youtube
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- The Blarney StoneOct 14, 2024 · 1 hr 2 minJoe Fernandes & Emily Paige start a podcast and here's the first crack at it. Thanks for subscribing and supporting! Email any weird stories or topics you would like us to cover at ifyoutoldme@gmail.com
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- Trailer: If You Would've Told Me PodcastSep 20, 2024Joe Fernandes & Emily Paige bring you their new podcast where they will tell stories, read stories, and make up stories. Please subscribe! You can email us any stories to ifyoutoldme@gmail.com
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